Please stop nagging me. Every time I turn on the TV, some celebrity is making me aware of a cause that desperately needs my help. For example, in the two hours of TV I watched yesterday, Mia Farrow told me about orphaned children in Africa, some TV actor reminded me about breast cancer, and Leonardo DiCaprio told me how he’s worried about the environment.

Helping is nice. And I know you would all like Angelina Jolie’s career–after all, without her concern for ailing third-world nations, she would be known for being a crazy husband-stealer who, while undeniably gorgeous, is, let’s face it, a pretty bad actress. But come on. I have to listen to Dustin Diamond, Screech from Saved By the Bell, warn me about foreclosures because he might lose his house now? It offends my sensibilities to see people use the sick, the poor, the orphaned, and the financially clueless to get themselves some publicity. I can handle it sometimes, sure, but all the time? Celebrities, you have overstepped your place in society. Please go back to having affairs and going in and out of rehab, and I will go back to feeling quietly superior.

Thank you.