Oprah had a show on saving money yesterday. It had advice like, do not spend more money than you earn. If you lose your job, cut back on your bills. Buy food from the grocery store that is on sale. Do not spend $700 a month at the mall when you don’t have $700 extra a month.

I didn’t realize that people needed to be explained the basics of budgeting. Now that I realize the extent of the problem, I want to do my patriotic duty and help. So here it is, my fellow Americans.

The Joy Lanzendorfer Guide to Surviving the Money Crisis:

a. Do not burn your money
b. Do not eat your money
c. Do not use your money as toilet paper
d. Candy and diamonds are not necessities
e. Credit cards are not money
f. If you want to save money, don’t spend so much of it
g. Money does not, in fact, grow on trees

I hope that helps. Maybe I can go on Oprah now. Do you think?